Come on Up for the Rising
I had a conversation with my husband the other night before I posted my “defective Mormon” post. I thought he should hear it from me before he read it online. It was a difficult conversation, and I don’t know that anything was really resolved, except that now I’m not carrying around the “I’m broken” burden silently and alone.
I don’t think it was until I actually spoke aloud the words, “I’m tired of being a defective Mormon” that I drew a line between my persistent and frightening depression and my loss of faith. I have always been the sort who conflates actions or behaviors with characteristics. I failed at being a Mormon, therefore I am a failure. My husband is disappointed at my loss of faith, therefore I am a disappointment as a wife. I am of no value to the church in my current belief state, therefore I have no value.
Of course, none of those things are true. That is, none of the “therefores” are true. I am not a failure, I am not a disappointment as a wife, and I do have value.
I called the local Unitarian church the other night, to see if they were still meeting and if they made it through the storm. No sense going to church there if they don’t have a congregation any more. They do. The minister called me the other day. He offered to meet me for coffee so we could talk, if I liked. I giggled a bit to myself at that.
I won’t be going this Sunday, because my husband is speaking on Sunday and I want to be at sacrament meeting for that (he’s a wonderful speaker). But I think the following week, I will skip out early and see what it’s like to attend a church where they’re just glad that you’re there.
I don’t think it was until I actually spoke aloud the words, “I’m tired of being a defective Mormon” that I drew a line between my persistent and frightening depression and my loss of faith. I have always been the sort who conflates actions or behaviors with characteristics. I failed at being a Mormon, therefore I am a failure. My husband is disappointed at my loss of faith, therefore I am a disappointment as a wife. I am of no value to the church in my current belief state, therefore I have no value.
Of course, none of those things are true. That is, none of the “therefores” are true. I am not a failure, I am not a disappointment as a wife, and I do have value.
I called the local Unitarian church the other night, to see if they were still meeting and if they made it through the storm. No sense going to church there if they don’t have a congregation any more. They do. The minister called me the other day. He offered to meet me for coffee so we could talk, if I liked. I giggled a bit to myself at that.
I won’t be going this Sunday, because my husband is speaking on Sunday and I want to be at sacrament meeting for that (he’s a wonderful speaker). But I think the following week, I will skip out early and see what it’s like to attend a church where they’re just glad that you’re there.
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