Remembering what has happened to us
I am being treated for clinical depression. I had a major depressive episode about a year ago (maybe more) that is in partial remission. I take meds, do talk therapy, and work in fits and starts at cognitive behavioral therapy. While I am not yet well, I am much better.
I have been back home post-Katrina now for three Sundays. I have been to church three times. Each time, the overwhelming thought I’ve had has been, “I wish I were dead.” After the first week, I persisted in going, because I thought it might be an anomaly. The second week, I thought I would give it one more chance. The third week, fast and testimony meeting, I had pretty much decided to take a hiatus after that meeting. Church is not supposed to make one feel suicidal.
The second to the last person to speak changed my mind. I don’t remember much about what he said, except that things are different now, and it’s folly to pretend that they are the same. He said we need to remember what’s happened to us, and our families will be closer by talking about and remembering this time. And that spoke to my heart, and I felt God nearby again, for the first time in a long time.
I remembered something Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote in her essay, Lusterware. She recalled a young woman who said to her, “I used to think that the church was 100% true, but now I think it’s only about 90% true.” Ulrich wrote, “I wanted to tell her, ‘If you can find something that is only 10% divine, embrace it with all your heart.’ The bible talks of bits of leaven…”
Bits of leaven. I might be able to find some of those.
I have been back home post-Katrina now for three Sundays. I have been to church three times. Each time, the overwhelming thought I’ve had has been, “I wish I were dead.” After the first week, I persisted in going, because I thought it might be an anomaly. The second week, I thought I would give it one more chance. The third week, fast and testimony meeting, I had pretty much decided to take a hiatus after that meeting. Church is not supposed to make one feel suicidal.
The second to the last person to speak changed my mind. I don’t remember much about what he said, except that things are different now, and it’s folly to pretend that they are the same. He said we need to remember what’s happened to us, and our families will be closer by talking about and remembering this time. And that spoke to my heart, and I felt God nearby again, for the first time in a long time.
I remembered something Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote in her essay, Lusterware. She recalled a young woman who said to her, “I used to think that the church was 100% true, but now I think it’s only about 90% true.” Ulrich wrote, “I wanted to tell her, ‘If you can find something that is only 10% divine, embrace it with all your heart.’ The bible talks of bits of leaven…”
Bits of leaven. I might be able to find some of those.
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