How not to help someone who is dealing with difficulty, pain, or sorrow
I had a friend whose baby had died. She was on bed rest at the time, pregnant with twins who really, really wanted to come early. Her RS president "comforted" her with stories of the pioneer women who sacrificed so much, blah, blah, blah, so she needed to not feel sorry for herself. Just what the grieving mother of a dead baby needs to hear to make her feel better, don'tcha think?
We mere humans, when we're trying to figure out what kinds of people we ought to be, when we're in a difficult position, or grieving over a loss, are not typically brought to our senses by reminders of how much worse others have it. At least, not once we've passed the age of ten.
Reminders of all Jesus suffered don't minimize any suffering we mere mortals might be having. And don't EVEN think about singing "Praise to the Man" or performing any variants on that activity as a way of pulling me out of my slump. Puh-lease. Joseph brought it on himself.
We mere humans, when we're trying to figure out what kinds of people we ought to be, when we're in a difficult position, or grieving over a loss, are not typically brought to our senses by reminders of how much worse others have it. At least, not once we've passed the age of ten.
Reminders of all Jesus suffered don't minimize any suffering we mere mortals might be having. And don't EVEN think about singing "Praise to the Man" or performing any variants on that activity as a way of pulling me out of my slump. Puh-lease. Joseph brought it on himself.
3 Comments:
Was this in your current ward, perchance? There probably are people who respond to that type of comforting, but I'm not one of them. To me, it seems cold-hearted to imply that people should downplay their individual suffering, or put it into a certain perspective, just because other folks suffered sometime in the past. It's almost as bad as saying, "everything that happens, happens for a reason." I've heard that one so many times that it makes me want to hit the people who say it, but I know they mean well, so I keep my hands to myself.
No, it wasn't in my current ward. It was a long, long time ago (20+ years), and I didn't know my friend when it happened to her.
I think a more accurate phrasing of the saying you cite would be "everything that happens, happens."
I do think this tactic can be effective at shutting up whiny pre-teens who are all upset because they don't have a particular shiny new toy that they want. Not all difficulty, pain, or sorrow is valid, after all.
It's possible, too, that the sufferings of others can be presented in such a way as to be encouraging, and inspiring. "Other people have been through the same kind of difficult times you have. Here are their stories, and how they were able to move beyond their grief and suffering and even be happy again, with time. Meanwhile, we're here for you, and we love you. Call me if you need to talk."
You are a good friend for knowing this. When I had my first miscarriage, my husbands parents told me that I really had nothing to be sad about, since THEY lost a baby that was further along gestationally. Then they told me that I shouldn't be sad because it was part of God's plan, and he didn't want us to have a baby right now.
Some people need to be smacked on the head.
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