Adjusting to working

I was out of work for a very long time, with a brief interruption or two of employment that didn't end well. I'm glad to be back at work. We need the money. Some other things have happened as a result of going back to work that I think are good, that I didn't really expect to have happen.

I don't feel so fat any more. I think that's very interesting, because I haven't lost any weight at all, not even one little pound. But because I get up early every morning and put on somewhat professional looking clothes that fit, I feel much less like a giant lump of uselessness. I still don't like looking in the mirror too much, but when asked to describe myself, the first word that pops into my head isn't "disgusting."

I'm becoming aware, not only of my weaknesses in work, but my strengths. I'm a very good writer, and I'm very good at approaching a problem and looking at the possible solutions when I have time to think about things. I'm not so good on the fly, but I don't usually have to be "on the fly," and I find when I'm in situations like meetings, I do just fine if I come prepared with what I want to address, listen and take notes, and listen. Did I mention listen? I'm usually a talker, but I'm much better off when I just listen, and then have time to collect my thoughts, and then talk. Or better yet, write.

I used to be quite confident and outgoing socially; now I often feel inept around people. Maybe I'm just inept around accountants. But in any case, though I like the people I work with, I think they don't like me much. Six months ago (three months ago) I would have been devastated, even crippled by this. Now, it bothers me some, but it doesn't break me. Now, I can pleasantly disagree with the woman who has nothing good to say about people on welfare, stating that I think it's a valuable safety net, without being too worried that she "won't like me" as a result. Not that I don't think about that - I do. But I'm not measuring the value of my self by how much people like me.

My therapist wants me to start working on my "10 Days to Self-Esteem" workbook. She thinks I may be ready to actually work on it now. She said I need to identify the lies I tell myself and then stop lying to myself. She also said I don't give myself nearly enough credit for how much better I am now than I was six months ago. She's probably right about that. I still mostly credit the Wellbutrin. But even if it ISN'T me - if it is "just the drugs" - I can live with that. Whatever it takes.