One of the things I never talk about
I have been having some aches and pains for the last few months. Getting older, I guess. Achilles tendonitis, possible arthritis in my knee, painful right elbow and shoulder. I've been taking Rx naproxen sodium, and it's helped. But I haven't been able to find my script for a day or two, and I hurt.
This came up when I was talking to older son this afternoon. Older son is 6'1" and weighs 148 lbs. fully clothed. Tall and slim! He suggested that many of my aches and pains were caused by my weight. He's probably right. My feet and ankles aren't designed to carry as much weight as they are. We talked for a bit about why I am not doing anything to try to lose weight, and that made me think seriously about it. I try not to do that too often, but since it's on the top of my mind, I thought I'd go ahead and put it out here.
I am what is referred to as morbidly obese. I weigh double (yes, double) what a woman my height should weigh. If I lost 100 lbs. I would still be significantly overweight. When I was 14 years old, and weighed 125 lbs., I thought I was fat. I dieted, off and on, for most of my adult life. Eight years ago, I lost 60 lbs. on Optifast, and gained it all back. I gained 20 lbs. per year during the three years I took Depo Provera shots for birth control. Fifteen years ago, I lost 20 lbs on weight watchers. Ten years ago, I exercised daily and attended TOPS meetings for several months, and lost 20 lbs. Every time, I've stopped, for one reason or another (money, injury, etc.) and gained back everything I've lost, and then some. The only time I have been successful at staying thin was in the early 80's, when I was in my early 20's, and I visited various quack doctors who prescribed me prescription amphetines. I rarely slept without barbiturates to bring me down, and I got a bunch of bladder infections, and I talked non-stop. But I was thin.
I have been failing at weight loss for 30 years.
Being fat constrains everything about me. It doesn't matter that I am smart, funny, pretty, talented and personable. I am fat. That is what people see. It is a caveat to all my positive traits.
I can barely write about it, let alone speak about it, without crying. It's isolating. I don't like to go out because I'm always making accommodations for my size. I often can't sit in a booth at a restaurant. When I go to the theatre, I need an empty seat on one side. Flying is terrifying - not because I'm afraid of flying, but because planes are so packed these days, and the damn tray table won't even go all the way down.
I don't do anything about it, because I will fail. I always have. Why should this time be any different from the fifty times before? I haven't read Dr. Phil's book. "This time is different." My foot.
This came up when I was talking to older son this afternoon. Older son is 6'1" and weighs 148 lbs. fully clothed. Tall and slim! He suggested that many of my aches and pains were caused by my weight. He's probably right. My feet and ankles aren't designed to carry as much weight as they are. We talked for a bit about why I am not doing anything to try to lose weight, and that made me think seriously about it. I try not to do that too often, but since it's on the top of my mind, I thought I'd go ahead and put it out here.
I am what is referred to as morbidly obese. I weigh double (yes, double) what a woman my height should weigh. If I lost 100 lbs. I would still be significantly overweight. When I was 14 years old, and weighed 125 lbs., I thought I was fat. I dieted, off and on, for most of my adult life. Eight years ago, I lost 60 lbs. on Optifast, and gained it all back. I gained 20 lbs. per year during the three years I took Depo Provera shots for birth control. Fifteen years ago, I lost 20 lbs on weight watchers. Ten years ago, I exercised daily and attended TOPS meetings for several months, and lost 20 lbs. Every time, I've stopped, for one reason or another (money, injury, etc.) and gained back everything I've lost, and then some. The only time I have been successful at staying thin was in the early 80's, when I was in my early 20's, and I visited various quack doctors who prescribed me prescription amphetines. I rarely slept without barbiturates to bring me down, and I got a bunch of bladder infections, and I talked non-stop. But I was thin.
I have been failing at weight loss for 30 years.
Being fat constrains everything about me. It doesn't matter that I am smart, funny, pretty, talented and personable. I am fat. That is what people see. It is a caveat to all my positive traits.
I can barely write about it, let alone speak about it, without crying. It's isolating. I don't like to go out because I'm always making accommodations for my size. I often can't sit in a booth at a restaurant. When I go to the theatre, I need an empty seat on one side. Flying is terrifying - not because I'm afraid of flying, but because planes are so packed these days, and the damn tray table won't even go all the way down.
I don't do anything about it, because I will fail. I always have. Why should this time be any different from the fifty times before? I haven't read Dr. Phil's book. "This time is different." My foot.
8 Comments:
I understand. I feel like a lesser being because I need to lose a hundred pounds. I can only loose weight by extreem portion control and strenuous excercise. I'm miserable living like that and I'm miserable because of my lack of willpower.
I also resent the assumption that I must have unmet emotional hangups and therefore eat for comfort and if I only weren't so screwed up, I would be thin. Dr Phil can shove his book where the sun don't shine. He's shilling useless products like every other hack out there.
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During law school, I became a fitness fanatic. I dropped a ton of weight and got into fantastic shape. In the past 3 years I've put on about 30 pounds, and I've put on about 60 pounds since 1990. Anyhow, I'm not happy with my flabby shape these days. It's quite depressing, actually, especially when I see some of my old friends who are still in great condition (none of 'em have kids, BTW). But I don't have the willpower or the energy to do much about it.
Jo, that comment brings up one of my favorite Winston Churchill stories:
"Sir Winston, you are drunk. And what's worse, you are very drunk."
"Madame, I am drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I shall be sober."
I've never been that keen on my own looks, but my DW is, and that's what counts.
I have been overweight for thirty-five years, not to your extent (that's not a put down btw) but enough that it really matters. Like all, I have lost and gained many times.
I finally understand why diets don't work. They deprive you, and you are in a rush to meet your goal and to get off the thing. Sometimes, you don't even reach your goal and you still have to get off. It's always done in such a big hurry because the diet is so restrictive.
I have been on Dr Phil's plan for about five months. At times I have left it for a weekend or longer, but in principal, I have stuck to it fairly well. I don't even weigh myself or measure myself, but, based on how clothes fit, I have gone down at least three inches in my waist. I am pleased with myself and feel better about myself.
I'm not in a rush. This plan will sustain you well but allow you to lose weight, so you don't have to rush through it -- you can live well on it. I don't think about food the way I used to, and I'm happier about the control which I have.
I understand that there a lot of Dr Phil haters in this world, but always beware of haters of any kind. What Dr Phil has is a platform to make a sensible voice heard. I'm sure that there are other sensible voices, but we don't know who they are because they don't have the platform. His diet is really common sense, but he has the clout to be heard. He admits that he is not breaking any new ground. If anyone has a hate-on for the man, I'm sure that they can find all of the same information elsewhere, but they may have to dig a little.
I didn't finish the first book with all of the psychological stuff, but I felt that I had watched his show enough to get it anyway. Don't discard the physchological stuff as some of your commentors suggest. Evaluate it for yourself, not because of what I or anyone else says. Much of the supposed phsych stuff isn't reall that at all. Much is practical advise such as "Don't keep junk food around where it can tempt you," and "Have someone that you can be accountable to."
I told my wife the other day, that for the first time, I felt like I was in control of this and that I felt that I would never put the weight back on. I just needed someone to put it all together for me and to give me some guidelines. I can live on this plan forever. (Note: weeks one and two are a wee bit rough and restrictive. lol)
Whatever you decide to do, I hope that it works for you. You need to get your family on board to support you, and it sounds like your son already is.
You don't have to jump into it today. Buy the book. Think about it. Make a plan.
I have read your blog for a few weeks now, and you are an intelligent, sensitive, sensible, worthwhile person who can express herself really well, so I'm pulling for you. (I don't read just anybody's blog either! ;)
Best of luck.
PS: I was thinking just today that I might blog on this topic sometime. Sigh ... so many topics ...
Thanks to all of you for the hugs and happy thoughts. I really do function well in society, despite all this, because not only do I not blog about it...I don't think about it. Unless I have to.
Anvilcloud, thanks for making yourself known; I've been wondering who that lurker was in Ontario. Now I know! I will carefully consider what you say.
As Scott Peck says, there is no problem that cannot be solved if we are willing to take the time.
I am currently trying out the South Beach Diet. I might have missed whether you have tried it or not but people I have spoken with seem to find that it is a diet they can handle. I never would have tried this diet except that my friends were on it and invited me over to dinner (which meant I was eating their diet food). The food was quite tasty and I realized that this was a diet I might be able to handle.
Anyway, I have only been on the diet for about 4 days, so it's too early to tell how good it is. My understanding is that the first phase (which is the strictest and lasts two weeks) is supposed to shed 8-12 pounds. I will be posting my weight(s) in the posts that talk about the diet so you will be able to see how this one is working for me and maybe that will be useful information for you.
If not, try your best to be happy as you are. When I was reading your post I felt sad as you described how it made you feel like crying. Take care.
Danithew
http://wwww.wump.info/wumpblog
You know we live in a society that puts so much focus on physical attraction and on a specific size and it has taken me years and years to come to terms with it. I have struggled with my self image too Ann, my weight has been a constant struggle since I hit puberty (I have PCOS). I know exactly what you have gone through, because I have gone through it as well.
Living healthy is really more important than being skinny. I remember as a teenager dealing with the stupid comments, from peers and even at times from my siblings was hard. My parents didn't run me down for being fat, but there was still the underlying "you have to lose weight". I remember thinking being bulimic wouldn't be so bad because then I would be skinny.
I wish I could talk to you in person because I don't know if what I can say will really come out the way it should on a blog post. You are more than your weight, you are more than your size. You are a daughter of God and He thinks you are worth more and you are. I have gone back and forth losing weight because I never thought I could do it. It really hit home to me that this was the reason. Part of the reason is my PCOS (makes it harder is all, and it cause the weight in the beginning), but I never saw myself as a slim, healthy person and so I couldn't get to that point. When I decided that I WAS important and that no longer was my weight going to be in control of me, I began to see the future. I know that I AM going to do it this time. And I know, you have heard it before, but you CAN do it. And when you see that you will.
I don't believe in diets, I think they are destructive, I believe in lifestyle change which is why I decided to nourish rather than "feed" my body. It is working for me.
If fat is constraining who you are then the key is to find that loophole to stop letting it be your master.
I know, there are no easy answers. I just know you can do it. Of course you can. I don't know you at all, but I know where you come from and if you have lived you life, think of all the things you have accomplished, you are capable of doing anything you want. But you have to see that,no one can show it to you.
Oh I am clear as mud. I just wish we could help girls (and boys) from the beginning to love themselves no matter what. :(
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