Isolation
When I first lost my job last year, I wasn't terribly concerned. I had always been able to find work fairly quickly, and didn't see any reason why it would be different this time. I was taking classes, and that was a distraction from looking for work. I also made as much on unemployment as I would have at a minimum wage job, so that was a strong disincentive to take that kind of job.
When my unemployment ran out, I started to get worried, but again I was taking classes and that was eating up a lot of my time. By the end of the summer, though, I was starting to get pretty desperate. I fell into the trap of distorted thinking.
I didn't realize what was happening, but I began to isolate myself in earnest. I rarely left the house. I didn't have a car, which made it harder to get out even if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I was convinced that I was repulsive, unpleasant, and socially inept. I rejected people before they rejected me (which I knew they would). I completely internalized my inability to find a job as the natural consequences of my looks (fat and ugly), personality (socially inept and unable to relate to people), and talents (no degree. Nuf said). It was only on the 'net that I was able to interact with people in any meaningful way, and that was because they couldn't see me. I was able to fake them out.
Between therapy and going back to work, I've started to come around quite a bit. People at work are nice to me. They don't recoil in disgust when they see me. I've only been at the job three weeks, and I'm already getting pretty good at it. I'm great on the phone. I mean, great on the phone. I'm starting to see more clearly how damaging my self-imposed isolation was.
I am still not much interested in making any real connections. I am happy to be functioning among other humans, but still quite fearful of forming any real bonds. I used to be quite a social creature. That is absolutely not the case right now. I don't care to see people other than my family when I'm not at work.
My therapist is encouraging me to go on retreat. She has given me a phone number and a name, and even knows when and where a one-day retreat will be happening. I'm going to sign up, I guess. And while part of me is intrigued at the idea, another part - a bigger part - dreads it. Because there will be people there, and my isolated self still thinks, even with all the evidence to the contrary, that they won't like me.
I think it will probably take many experiences of that not being the case before I'm really recovered.
When my unemployment ran out, I started to get worried, but again I was taking classes and that was eating up a lot of my time. By the end of the summer, though, I was starting to get pretty desperate. I fell into the trap of distorted thinking.
I didn't realize what was happening, but I began to isolate myself in earnest. I rarely left the house. I didn't have a car, which made it harder to get out even if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I was convinced that I was repulsive, unpleasant, and socially inept. I rejected people before they rejected me (which I knew they would). I completely internalized my inability to find a job as the natural consequences of my looks (fat and ugly), personality (socially inept and unable to relate to people), and talents (no degree. Nuf said). It was only on the 'net that I was able to interact with people in any meaningful way, and that was because they couldn't see me. I was able to fake them out.
Between therapy and going back to work, I've started to come around quite a bit. People at work are nice to me. They don't recoil in disgust when they see me. I've only been at the job three weeks, and I'm already getting pretty good at it. I'm great on the phone. I mean, great on the phone. I'm starting to see more clearly how damaging my self-imposed isolation was.
I am still not much interested in making any real connections. I am happy to be functioning among other humans, but still quite fearful of forming any real bonds. I used to be quite a social creature. That is absolutely not the case right now. I don't care to see people other than my family when I'm not at work.
My therapist is encouraging me to go on retreat. She has given me a phone number and a name, and even knows when and where a one-day retreat will be happening. I'm going to sign up, I guess. And while part of me is intrigued at the idea, another part - a bigger part - dreads it. Because there will be people there, and my isolated self still thinks, even with all the evidence to the contrary, that they won't like me.
I think it will probably take many experiences of that not being the case before I'm really recovered.
4 Comments:
Awww, Ann. Isn't it true that we are our own worst enemies sometimes? "Distorted thinking" was a term my own therapist used when I told her how I felt about social situations.
I'm so glad you are getting out now, and that you are working at a congenial place. You are really a warm, wonderful, smart person.
Ann! You are one of the funnest people I know to be around. I only wish I was in New Orleans right now where I could treat you to a nice Mexican dinner at your favorite place. I was a little bummed at our last meeting, but that had NOTHING to do with you. You are an excellent tour guide and have a great way with people. It's no wonder that you are great on the phone.
Nurse Ratchet: "Time spent in the company of others is therapeutic, but time spent brooding alone only increases feelings of separation."
Dr. Leo Marvin: "Baby Steps"
(((((hugs))))
Joe2
Ann, sounds like work is theraputic for you and they pay you for it ;-), I am a stay at home person alot and think to some extent I have adjusted, but we are creatures that need socializing to be well adjusted. A smile goes along ways, and I know you have a nice smile.
We can all say that you have a nice personallity - well, at least you write well, put your thoughts down clearly, and seem like an interesting person. I'm sorry that you do not feel well about yourself. I agree, isolation can make you feel like you are not wanted. Perhaps just getting out more - volunteer for something. My wife just started with Habitat for Humanity, or any other organization. That way you are doing more, interacting more, and out. You can be just as isolated in your job if you just talk on the phone - not much different than typing here.
But we are all for you - keep going!
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