Frequency

Ought I bother keeping this blog? I like writing here occasionally, but I don't want it to turn into one of those blogs where the only thing people write is "I'm so busy, I'm sorry I haven't posted much." Those blogs are lame.

Crawfish Boil

Today, my LDS ward had a crawfish boil. I was in charge. We had five hundred pounds of boiled crawfish, 120 hamburgers, 80 hot dogs, corn and potatoes (cooked with the crawfish so they’re peppery – yum!), desserts, salads and beverages. The ward bought everything but the desserts and salads. It cost almost $1000. This is an enormous sum for an LDS ward to spend on an activity.

I am relieved to say that it went off mostly without a hitch. It was a little windy outside, but otherwise the weather was perfect - sunny and 72 degrees. We had plenty of food, with little left over. There was lots of noise and socializing. Kites were flown, Frisbees were thrown, tug-of-war was played. I had plenty of help setting up, keeping things in order, and cleaning up after. A couple of guys who appeared rather world-worn came and got something to eat, which was nice – I’m glad we were able to feed them. The only real problem was that we had to shut down the inflatable jumping thing because the older kids got out of control.

I was very glad when today arrived. I knew I would be able to eat all the crawfish I wanted (and I love crawfish). Then when the day was over, this event would be behind me and I wouldn't need to think about it any more.

I think it’s important after any event like this to do a good evaluation. What worked? What didn’t? How can we do better next time? Without an evaluation, the same mistakes get made over and over again. I plan to make some extensive notes for the next person to do this. Who knows...maybe it will be me, and I’ll have my own notes to refer to next year.

Why I take Wellbutrin's generic equivalent, Budeprion SR

I was suffering from major depression when I started taking Wellbutrin. I'd lost my faith. I had been out of work for almost a year. Our finances were in dismal shape. I am morbidly obese, and though I've often been able to see past my weight to my positive attributes, my inability to find work, combined with my size, and the sense that God had abandoned me, was starting make me feel like I was worthless. Subhuman, even. I get teary-eyed thinking about it.

I spent large parts of the day, more days than not, wishing I were dead. I would imagine how my family would be better off without me. DH could use the insurance money to pay off our debts, and marry a nice believer. I was prevented by a few things - primarily the lack of access to deadly doses of barbiturates or a gun, and concern about what little boy would do if nobody came to pick him up at the bus stop. What if he came home and found me?

When I told my daughter about this, she totally freaked. TOTALLY freaked. Reminded me that lots of people loved me and I would leave a mess behind and that I ought to go see a doctor.

I made an appointment with a therapist, and called my MD. He worked me in the next day and the nurse was adamant that if it got worse I should go to the hospital. When I saw the MD, I told him what I was looking for in a medication (fights depression; no sexual side effects) and he gave me Wellbutrin.

My therapist told me, after I started to feel better in a few weeks, that I was going to have "breakouts," and that they would pass, and I should not be overly concerned by them. She said that the medication barrier was not perfect. When it happens any more, it's almost always fairly brief in duration (< 24 hours) and it's almost always in synch with my menstrual cycle.

I'm so much better now. SO much better. I sometimes wonder if it's because my mental health has actually improved, or if it's just the drugs. But I've decided I don't care. If I need to take Wellbutrin or its generic equivalent for the rest of my life, and that keeps me from wishing I was dead, I'll do it. I wouldn't think twice about taking insulin if I was diabetic. This may just be what I need to stay well. If so, that's fine.

Hours lost

I don't do much. I'm pretty involved (ok, too involved) in a couple of online communities that suck up enormous amounts of time. I don't read the net at work because...well, because I need this job, and I want to show my commitment by actually being committed.

My therapist would say (has said) that my online communities are substitutes for real communities and real relationships and I need to find real things to do with my time, like finding a community choir or theatre group, or Tai Chi, or Feng Shui (waves to Lori). I have a host of real things to do with my time, like read to the little boy, or help him with homework, or VACUUM.

Do I set the timer? Do other stuff first? I don't think I have it in me to quit cold turkey.

Reading

We only have one computer at home. It's starting to feel as frustrating as only having one TV was when I was a kid. When Older Son is home for the summer from Big State University, we're going to set his up, also. Then we'll have two, and oh the blogging I will do when not constrained by Other People!

When it's not My Turn on the internet, I have been reading Karen Armstrong's "The History of God" again. I didn't get all the way through it the first time. It's a great thick book, I checked it out of the library long before I started reading it, and then the library only allowed one renewal. So, I checked it out again about two weeks ago, but this time I started reading it right away.

I'm only up to the very early Christian era, but I'm once again I find the concepts in the book uplifting and enlightening. Armstrong takes a respectful tone toward all the religions she describes, but is naturalistic in her interpretation: God has evolved; God has manifested itself to different peoples in different forms throughout history based almost entirely on what those people were drawn to and what worked for them. When a people's understanding of God stopped working, for them, God changed to meet their new needs. The main idea I have taken from the book, both the first time and now, is that God can't be described or known...God can only be experienced.

In more mundane matters, all of my big projects at work are stalled in other people's garages right now, so I'm struggling to fill my time with useful things. While I've been waiting, I've automated invoice processing for a large vendor, eliminating several hours of data entry each week for the AP person who processes that vendor. She's pleased, and I'm working on two more vendors for the other processor. They'll be my buddies big time when I get it all done.

Little boy got his picture taken at school, and it came out pretty good for a change. He's a good looking guy, but he's not exactly photogenic. He can't do a natural looking smile for anything, and he always raises his eyebrows ^^ WAY HIGH when he smiles. In the school pictures, while the smiles are still a little forced, he's not doing the eyebrow thing. When he's about 18, I'm sure I'll look back on his high eyebrow smile as adorable.

I've been doing really well at cooking dinners, but not so good at taking leftovers for lunch. We really can't afford for me to eat out every day. And it's not like the leftover food isn't good - I'm a pretty decent cook. It's just...not what I want for lunch. I rarely know what I want for lunch, so I usually just eat at Wendy's, even though that's not what I want for lunch, either. Tomorrow, I will force myself to take Shrimp Fettucine Alfredo for lunch.