I'm worried about starting this new job

I really, really need to go back to work. We need the money. My wise father told me once, "People work for three reasons, Ann Marie. For the money, for the money, and for the money."

I've been depressed now for a few months. And I'm really, really nervous about going back to the grind. Part of me thinks it'll be fine. I'm a tough cookie. I'll suck it up and do what needs to be done. But another part of me thinks that I just don't have another commitment in me; that I just don't have anything to give to another obligation.

I'm going to try to think positive, and keep taking my meds. I'll try to be hopeful about enjoying the work, and meeting new people, and getting some certifications and building a career. And the money. And the money. And don't forget the money.

What Bruce Means to Me

Julia from Folk of the Fringe pointed me to an article about Bruce Springsteen on the website Killing the Buddha that captured what Bruce Springsteen means to his fans.

I've been a fan of Bruce since 1981, when I saw him in Cincinnati on The River tour. That show was not my first rock concert, but it changed how I saw rock and roll. I was converted. I bought albums, I found other fans, I bought a 5x5 tacky silk-screen wall hanging and it became the only artwork in the living room in my small, rundown apartment.

Bruce went on a hiatus of sorts in the early 90's. He fired his band. He made two albums with some excellent material that he released simultaneously in 1992, and then, in his words, "lost his rock voice." He released a folk album, "The Ghost of Tom Joad," in 1995. He didn't release any new material for seven years. He did a reunion tour with the E Street Band in 2000, and in 2002 released The Rising, his response to the September 11 attacks and arguably his finest work.

When Bruce started touring on The Rising, I went a little nuts. I saw him in Houston with my daughter, and followed the tour news in the discussion boards on the web site. Life had changed a lot for me since the last time Bruce had released new material and mounted such a major tour. I was married now. I had a little boy. But somehow, I got it into my head that I could just follow him around. All those other people did!

Unfortunately, Bruce is not The Grateful Dead. One can not earn a living selling falafel from a tent following Bruce Springsteen around the country. Somehow, between my husband's bewilderment at my ideas ("Gee, you really like this guy, don't you?") and a reality check from, of all places, a talk at church, I came back down to earth. I only saw The Rising tour one more time, at PNC Park in Pittsburgh, when I was on vacation with the family. I spent far too much money on a great seat less than 10 yards from the stage. It was a great show, but when it was over, I was exhausted, and all desire to devote my life to following Bruce around the country was gone.

I still enjoy opportunities to see Bruce for free. The Vote For Change concert two weeks ago (rebroadcast tomorrow night, don't miss it!) and the video feeds of the Kerry performances (two of them!) yesterday were really great. And if he tours again, I will buy tickets, if I can, and I will love the show, and it will be, again, a transcending experience.

Watching a John Kerry Speech

I'm watching a John Kerry rally, live on the internet, from Madison, WI. Not because I'm such a committed follower (though he is my choice for President of the United States) but because Bruce Springsteen is singing. Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters just finished. Bruce is next. Then the Candidate will speak.

I don't know if I'll stick around for the Candidate. OK, maybe. The video quality sucks, and the sound isn't very good. But it's Bruce. Bee-yoo-tee-ful Bee-yoo-tee-ful Bruce. I will blog again or comment with a short synopsis. That is, if I can get my connection back which I just lost...

---

It took a long time of watching crowd shots and listening to classic rock, but at about 12:45 The Hero came out, accompanied by Wisconsin's Governor Doyle. Doyle introduced Bruce, composing his speech out of Bruce Springsteen song titles. After he introduced the Hero, Bruce said "Now I've heard everything. I don't think he'll be my opening act again."

Bruce sang The Promised Land, which has some really appropriate lyrics. Then he gave one of his PSA's. It was wonderful. He spoke of authentic and deeper patriotism, and returning the values and ideals that made the American dream worth dreaming. He quote Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone: "The future is for the passionate," and told the audience that the future is now, so let our passion shine through. Then he sang "No Surrender," for "John."

I want to sleep beneath peaceful skies in my lover's bed,
With a wide open country in my heart
And these romantic dreams in my head.
We made a promise we swore we'd always remember,
No retreat, baby, no surrender.

Then he introduced the "next President of the United States, John Kerry," and the Senator came out to the album cut of "No Surrender." The two men warmly embraced, in a thoroughly manly way, shook hands, and Bruce went offstage.

It was awesome. I have some introspection about this that I'll put up later today.

I Got the Job

Yay me! I start on Monday. Child care is all arranged for the little boy. I'm Back on the Chain Gang...

Procrastinating

I'm a world class procrastinator. I will spend hours blowing off tasks that take minutes to complete. And all that time, of course, I feel guilty about it.

I have to constantly remind myself that there is great reward in things being done. Past tense. I am not a process person. I am results oriented. I don't need to watch the game; just tell me the score when it's over.

Three times in the last eight months, my MD has given me paperwork to go have lab work done. I had a glucose tolerance test about ten months ago, through a different MD, and assumed that this series of orders included the same thing. Glucose tolerance tests take a long time. And you can't eat until you're all done. But this morning, I was up early, so I decided to bite the bullet. I was going to endure the process and get that paperwork out of my life. Put it in the past tense.

I didn't need a glucose tolerance test. Fifteen minutes, five vials of blood, and I was all done.

I wasted so much energy blowing this off! At least, now, it's done.

Go Sox!

DH predicts a four-game sweep. I think he's just hoping this so he can get something done this week besides watch baseball...

Interview Today

I had an interview today with a Big Regional Bank. It went very well, and I have a second interview in the a.m. It's for a level 1 help desk job; the type of work where I can step in and be productive immediately. The pay is very good. The benefits are top notch.

I am trying really, really hard not to get my hopes up.

What could make you change your mind?

Trailseeker blogged about voting by mail, and how he's glad he got his voting done. He mentioned several local and statewide issues that are in the air. I commented that one potential problem with early voting is that Stuff Happens. If Significant Stuff happened between now and Election Day, an early ballot has already been cast, and can't be uncast.

I was going to ask on his blog, but decided instead to ask on mine: is there a Big Thing that could happen that would change your mind about your vote for President? What sort of thing? Would it have to be a scandel, or would a big event do?

I don't think I would change my mind because of a big event, like a terrorist attack or a lot of new casualties in Iraq. However, if my candidate of choice was involved in something scandalous, that would prevent him from doing the job if he were elected (think Nixon and Watergate, or Bill and Monica) I would probably not vote for president.

I sure as heck wouldn't vote for the other guy.

I hate the playoffs

I hate the baseball playoffs. Hate them, hate them, hate them.

My DH is a diehard Yankee hater. If he ever had to choose between his team (the Baltimore Orioles) winning, or the Yankees losing, he would probably choose the latter. He is also a diehard baseball fan. Playoff season, every year that we've been married, is excruciating. When the Yankees are in the playoffs (as they have been every year for the last eight years) he watches, and fumes and gripes when they win. Only when the Yankees are out is baseball any fun at our house.

Minnesota couldn't put them away this year, and now it looks like Boston's not going to do it either. Which means we're going to be watching yet another World Series with the Yankees, rooting for whoever is the National League champ, stressed out and anxious until it's all over.

It doesn't help that I grew up in a household where everybody lived and died through the fall based on how the Buckeyes were doing. And now, the Bucks have lost three in a row.

I can't wait for November.

Family Game Night

Tonight, the PTA at Little Boy's school had a Family Game Night fund raiser. The gym was open with activity games for the kids, pizzas were $6 each, drinks for a quarter. We brought a board game (Candy Land) and all played together after we ate. Then we went over to the gym and Little Boy played a game that looked very fun, but seemed not to have much point. Oh well, it got the kids moving.

I took Little Boy to the MD today. She filled out the state-required form to dispense Rx meds, and wrote a prescription for an OTC drug (Benadryl). I am to take the meds and the form to the school, and if little boy gets another ant bite, they are to give him a Benadryl, then call me. I am also going to have to take him to an allergist for more testing. She thinks the rash was an allergic reaction to the ant bites, but because it wasn't a full systemic response (no shortness of breath or anything like that) he is not at this time a good candidate for desensitizing. Further tests will determine if he actually IS a candidate for densensitizing. She said he may also need to have an epi-pen.

He really liked the doctor. The office was kind of old, but the paint was cheerful and very kid-oriented. Lots of free-form paintings of African animals on the wall, along with multiple stencils of the alphabet. And he got stickers, which is always very cool.

Ant Attack

I got a call from little boy's school yesterday. He had a rash around his hairline. It was weird. They thought I might want to come look at it. Well, yes, I would like to come look at it, but I didn't have a car, and by the time I walked there, it would have been time for him to come home from school. Since he felt fine, he just went back to class.

When he got off the bus an hour or so later, he was kind of whiny. I asked if he was OK, and he said his legs hurt. I looked at his legs, and saw that they were sunburn red and swollen around the ankles. I asked him what had happened. He said he wandered into an ant hill.

His ankles looked really bad yesterday, and the rash was also on his back. The rash is gone today, and the swelling and redness are much better, but I'm concerned that if this was an allergic reaction, the next time could be much worse. I'm probably going to try to get him in to see a pediatrician next week. I will have a car on Wednesday afternoon next week, so maybe that will work. Or, I may just take DH in to work on Friday, if he doesn't mind. Maybe I should ask before I post!

New Feature

I've added a cool new feature that I got from BloggerHacks. It goes through the active page and displays who made the most recent comments, and on what post. Check out the sidebar, between "Previous Posts" and "Theme Music." I believe the author is a guy named Ebenezer, who is a frequent commentator on Times and Seasons. Thanks man! This is awesome.

More on Vote for Change: A documentary on the concerts, as well as live footage, will show tomorrow night on the Sundance channel. I am supposed to get the Sundance channel, but last night it was not working. If it isn't up and running by tomorrow night, I'm going to have to hit somebody.

Internet addiction

I bet I get a bunch of google hits from this one. It may even rival my get rid of findjizz and azaleas are eating my caterpillars posts.

From ABCNews.com:

Dr. Nathan Shapira and other scientists at the University of Florida have been studying the phenomena of Internet addiction and are proposing that mental health professionals use a simple five-point checklist.

In a recent issue of Current Psychology, the university's scientists say online obsession can be pinpointed with a MOUSE. Or, more specifically, people should ask themselves:

Do you spend More time that you intend to online?

Are Other responsibilities being neglected?

Are you Unsuccessful at cutting back the amount of time online?

Are you having Significant relationship problems because of your Internet use?

Do you have Excessive thoughts or anxiety when you're not online?

The researchers say their rodent-based idiom came after face-to-face evaluations of over 30 volunteers, many of whom identified themselves as having problems the Internet.

Based on their research, they say Web-a-holics are likely to spend more than 30 hours a week online and their nonessential Internet use was 10 times greater than essential job- or school-related use.

And from the Kansas State Collegian:

Men at the average age of 29 and women at the average age of 43 who have the vocational background of "none" including homemakers, the disabled, retired persons or students make up the largest demographic of Internet addicts, according to clinical research done by the Center for Online and Internet Addiction.

...the desire to escape stress, can contribute to Internet addiction...

Mariann Fountain, clinical manager of COMCARE of Sedgwick County Addiction Treatment Services, said the desire to escape the routine, or stress of life is a reason people become addicted to the Internet.

"People who are lonely and curious are at risk," she said. "Also people who want to escape their real lives by being someone else or doing things they wouldn't normally do are at risk."

Cyber-relational addiction can also cause problems in being able to relate to people in face-to-face situations, Ann Johnson said.

"I think it limits experience with social skill development, being able to problem solve, and being able to negotiate relationships with others," she said. "One thing about the online experience of interaction is that there can often be a time lag between a question and a response, so people have time to formulate what they are going to say -- or moderate their emotional response. It doesn't happen that way when they get into a face-to-face interaction with another person."

Gary Johnson said if a person's online activities start to cut into the way they function socially, their relationships with others, or their occupations, they should seek help.

I mentioned this issue at the end of my last session with my therapist. We're going to discuss it in greater detail at my next appointment.

Not all of the items in the UofF study apply to me. Just the first three. I'm rarely online for more than an hour when DH is home, which explains why #4 isn't an issue. And I'm rarely offline during the day, so by the time I am offline, I'm pretty well sated.

I'm also concerned, though, about being online affecting my ability to function in "real life" social situations. I used to be able to think on my feet, and to read people. Now, I find myself stammering and feeling inept in real conversations (not good in a job interview) and I assume that people are how they present themselves. I hear almost entirely the content of what people say, and don't read the context.

What bothers me most is the things going undone. I don't have very high standards as far as housework goes, and (thankfully) neither does my DH. But gosh, shouldn't I be able to vacuum more often than bi-weekly? Shouldn't the kitchen floor be swept more often than that, as well? I'm doing OK with the laundry, and with the dishes. But it's not like I have anything really to DO, and little boy is gone all day, and I have tons of free time. I could be sewing curtains, or painting my bathroom, or even just spray painting little boy's bookcase. But instead I sit in this chair for hours...I'm not exaggerating, hours...reading blogs, writing to strangers, looking at job listings (but this is not how I spend the majority of my time).

I'm going to buy a little timer this weekend, and see if I can manage my time better. Even if it's to try going one hour on/one hour off. And then try weaning myself down to twice a day, for an hour each time, except when I'm searching job listings on Monday (classifieds) and Friday (local employer links). If that doesn't work, maybe I need the butt equivalent of a joy buzzer on my chair to attach to the timer.

Please feel free to discuss. I'd like to hear what my readers have to say about this.

How does a hermit catch a cold?

I have barely left the house in the last two weeks. I've been to Tai Chi twice, to the grocery store twice, and to the therapist once. Yesterday doesn't count, because the onset is too soon.

I just hope it doesn't turn into (or isn't really) a sinus infection. It's draining down my throat, which is all sore. Gross. Ouch. I'm going to go back to bed for an hour or two.

I have a car today

About two months ago, our beater car threw a rod. Because I'm severely unemployed, we have elected not to buy another at this time (unless somebody out there has an leads on a local beater car for sale). This has left me, for the most part, trapped at home. DH has to drive to New Orleans every day; there really isn't an option about that. Taking a ride share van would probably cost close to $400/month, and most of them only go to the CBD. Cheaper than owning a car, I guess, but we don't have $400/month.

This leaves me carless. I don't live in an area where you can easily walk to shopping, restaurants, grocery, etc., especially if you have arthritis in your knees and chronic achilles tendonitis. So most of the time, I'm trapped at home. Sometimes a friend will give me a ride someplace, but I don't have a lot of friends; I don't like asking for favors from people who are only casual acquaintances, and my one good friend, who would take me anywhere, has been pretty sick the last few weeks.

But today, older son is home from college for fall break, and I scheduled MD and dentist appointments for him this morning. This required a car. So I got up at Oh Dark Thirty, took DH to New Orleans, and came home. (I went back to bed. I was really tired.) Older son has finished his appointments and now I HAVE A CAR. I can get in it and drive it. I can press on the accelerator to make it move, and press on the brake to make it stop. I can activate the turn signals. I can turn the round thing to change direction. I have a license from the state of Louisiana to do all these things.

I have been thinking for two days now where I will drive. I think I will drive to the gas station, and then I will drive to the hair cutting place and partake. I will drive to the grocery store and buy things like whipped cream and stick margarine. And then, later this afternoon, I will drive to New Orleans and fetch my husband.

Funny Entry at Volokh Conspiracy

Orin Kerr writes:

Saddam Hussein and the Extraterrestrials:

According to this source, 32% of Americans questioned in a recent poll believe that Saddam Hussein personally planned the 9/11 attacks. And according to this source, 34% of Americans questioned in a recent poll believe in UFOs. All of which leads me to wonder: are these the same people?

The Volokh Conspiracy is a lawyer blog, but I think it's entertaining and informative for non-lawyers, too. And oh, the writing...you can see why these guys are published in law journals all the time. Even their non-technical writing, for us masses, sings with clarity.

Are y'all sick to death of Springsteen and Vote for Change?

Well, I'll try to make this my last entry on the subject. Time has an article about the tour and what the artists are hoping to accomplish. Rolling Stone interviewed Bruce about why he's entering the political arena for the first time in his 30+ year career. And there's quite a lively debate about whether he should even be doing this on the discussion page at brucespringsteen.net. As of this writing, the thread is 119 pages long, at 20 posts per page.

I've read the interviews (though not the thread...I had other stuff to do today!) and I'm purring inside at the ideas expressed:

• The artist as a voice, just a voice.
• Responsibility to your fans and to your ideals.
• The limits of what the musicians can do, but how they felt it was so necessary to do it anyway.

My old boss in Columbus is also a huge Springsteen fan. We only talk any more when there's a Springsteen concert coming up, or when we've read a review that makes us think "Oh, my heck." (Example: Bruce played Incident on 57th St. in Philadelphia during the reunion tour in '99/2000; the first time he'd played that song in 20 years.) But I haven't spoken or written to him about this tour at all, because...well, because he's such a freakin' Republican, somewhat to the right of Orrin Hatch, and I don't think it would be a pleasant conversation. I don't like political discussion, really; there's just entirely too much vitriol.

I may write something more Monday night, after the broadcast on the Sundance Channel. But now I'll give it a rest.

Quick Note about Vote For Change

You can see Bruce in all his buffness and glory giving his "public service announcement" at the Philadelphia show. It's eloquent.

Bruce's PSA

I was also semi-hysterical with excitement to find that there will be one great big fat VFC show broadcast next Monday night on the Sundance Channel. Now all I need is a buddy with a big screen TV, and a killer sound system.

True Believer

I'm a true believer. I believe in rock and roll. I suppose that dates me. I'm 44. I'm a real child of the sixty's. I was ten when The Beatles broke up, in the third grade. I lived through disco, and was briefly infected by it.

But when I was 20, I saw Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band on The River tour, in Cincinnati, Ohio, and I was born again.

Last night, Bruce Springsteen and the Band, John Fogerty, Bright Eyes, and REM played in Philadelphia on the opening night of the Vote for Change tour. Read the article. Read it slowly, and savor it. I was able to visualize myself there. My rate of respiration and my heart rate increased. I got teary-eyed. I got goosebumps.

I believe in rock and roll. Music can save your immortal soul. Maybe it can even save the country.

I'm about to change my theme music, at left, to include Bruce's "The Promised Land."

Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted

The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land.

We got a new dog!

Here is a picture of our new dog:



Isn't he so cute! He is anxiously waiting for Daddy to come home and take him for a walk. The dog's name is Daddy Dogspots, and the little dog sitting next to him is Baby Dogspots. He is wearing a golf club cover on his paw because it's hurt. I had the new dog pick up a bunch of little boy's stuff that was in the family room; the dog was very nice about it.

Little boy didn't have school today because it's the parish fair. I think it would be a hoot to go, but I'm without wheels. Maybe tomorrow...

Older son called and is coming home for a visit. It'll be nice to have him around for a few days.