Green Spaghetti

A mailing list I subscribe to, Just Tell Me What to Cook, sent a recipe a couple of months ago for Green Spaghetti. It's a really quick meal of spaghetti with a sauce made of parmesan cheese, broth, milk, and steamed spinach, all pureed together. The little boy loves it. Little boy loves almost nothing except peanut butter and jelly and macaroni and cheese. I have only served this twice, but was thrilled both times that he liked it so much, because it has spinach in it. Green vegetables!

On the other hand, DH was a bit put off by the color. OK, quite put off. The first time I fixed it, I thought it was because he was surprised by the shade and intensity of green. So, this time, I asked him in advance: "Is it OK if I make Green Spaghetti for dinner tomorrow?" He said it would be fine.

DH is not a picky eater (as long as I don't try to make him eat celery, raisins, or peanut butter). He will cheerfully eat almost anything I cook, thanking me for cooking and praising the food. But for the green spaghetti, he felt the need to eat with the dining room light off.

It figures. I finally find a healthy recipe with vegetables in it that little boy will eat, and it makes DH turn about the same color as the spaghetti. He ate it, though. What a trooper.

Why I Married Him

Yesterday, DH unlocked the door for me when we went out to the car. I was somewhat surprised. One of the things that kind of irked me when we were dating was that he didn't open the car door for me. I would be standing outside a car to which I had no keys on a cold Michigan winter day, but my date did not open the car door and let me in. He would walk around to his side of the car, unlock the door, get in, and then lean over and unlock my door.

I never expected him to let me out of the car. He didn't need to get out of the car, come around and open my door for me while I sat there. It may have been a cold Michigan winter day, but it was a car, not a horse-drawn buggy. I didn't need him to help me step over piles of horse dung to keep my skirts clean while exiting. But his failure to let me in the car - to open the door for me - seemed like a courtesy malfunction.

And yet, despite this courtesy malfunction, I married him. Why? Here's another memory about our dating days. One Friday evening, we met in Findlay, about halfway between Columbus and Detroit. We had a nice dinner. Afterwards, we walked out to the car and went for a drive and talked. Then we parked the car, and made out in the car for about three hours.

There are more important things than the customs of courtesy. We could talk to each other. He listened to me. And man, can that man kiss.

Preparations are under way

The turkey is stuffed and in the oven.

The potatoes are peeled.

The turkey's neck is simmering slowly in a small saucepan full of water, which will reduce to about half, for seasoning for the gravy.

The pumpkin pies are baked, resting on the counter, taunting us.

Left to do are rolls and pecan pies to be baked, green bean casserole to assemble, potatoes to be boiled and mashed, turkey to be basted every half hour or so, gravy to be prepared, and Scrabble to be played.

It looks like it will be a nice relaxing day, where my only problem will be that I have too much to eat.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

I'm MUCH better now

I had thought that my last post was open but not whiny. I guess I was less successful than I hoped.

Recovering from a major or moderate depression is not a fast thing, but I'm amazed at how much better I am, how soon. When I think of how I felt most of the time two months ago vs. how I am doing now...well, it's night and day. Between the CBT and the talking therapy and generic sustained-release Wellbutrin, I'm a new woman. Or the old woman, back again. Hmm. Old woman. I don't much like the sound of that.

I figure it's sort of like recovering from a badly broken arm, or a long-term physical illness. I was incapacitated for so long that it isn't reasonable to expect that I will be participating in a ten-mile turkey day run so soon after starting to heal. I'll have to shuffle and limp for a while. But with time, I'll be walking briskly. I've never been too much into running. Bad for the knees.

Y'all are awesome to say such nice things. You're good pals.

Isolation

When I first lost my job last year, I wasn't terribly concerned. I had always been able to find work fairly quickly, and didn't see any reason why it would be different this time. I was taking classes, and that was a distraction from looking for work. I also made as much on unemployment as I would have at a minimum wage job, so that was a strong disincentive to take that kind of job.

When my unemployment ran out, I started to get worried, but again I was taking classes and that was eating up a lot of my time. By the end of the summer, though, I was starting to get pretty desperate. I fell into the trap of distorted thinking.

I didn't realize what was happening, but I began to isolate myself in earnest. I rarely left the house. I didn't have a car, which made it harder to get out even if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I was convinced that I was repulsive, unpleasant, and socially inept. I rejected people before they rejected me (which I knew they would). I completely internalized my inability to find a job as the natural consequences of my looks (fat and ugly), personality (socially inept and unable to relate to people), and talents (no degree. Nuf said). It was only on the 'net that I was able to interact with people in any meaningful way, and that was because they couldn't see me. I was able to fake them out.

Between therapy and going back to work, I've started to come around quite a bit. People at work are nice to me. They don't recoil in disgust when they see me. I've only been at the job three weeks, and I'm already getting pretty good at it. I'm great on the phone. I mean, great on the phone. I'm starting to see more clearly how damaging my self-imposed isolation was.

I am still not much interested in making any real connections. I am happy to be functioning among other humans, but still quite fearful of forming any real bonds. I used to be quite a social creature. That is absolutely not the case right now. I don't care to see people other than my family when I'm not at work.

My therapist is encouraging me to go on retreat. She has given me a phone number and a name, and even knows when and where a one-day retreat will be happening. I'm going to sign up, I guess. And while part of me is intrigued at the idea, another part - a bigger part - dreads it. Because there will be people there, and my isolated self still thinks, even with all the evidence to the contrary, that they won't like me.

I think it will probably take many experiences of that not being the case before I'm really recovered.

My Weekend Plans

Weekends are just another time to get things done, now that I am a member of the human race again. Or is that the rat race? No, definitely human. Tomorrow, DH and I need to go add him on to my new checking account. I have to buy new shoes for little boy. We have to go to Sam's. And we have to go to the Spongebob Squarepants Movie with little boy (he's been talking about it since we saw the previews at Shrek 2).

Somewhere in there, we have to clean and do laundry. DH needs to prepare a lesson for Sunday. And I need to figure out what we're doing for Thanksgiving. A friend invited us to join them, but I like doing Thanksgiving dinner because then I get the leftovers. Turkey sandwiches, yum! And the pies are so easy; just use a frozen crust. I usually make a pumpkin or two, and a pecan. Maybe I will ask my friend's family over for dessert, and she can bring something, too.

DH is off work all week next week, and little boy has no school. It's just a regular work week for me, except with Thursday and 1/2 day Friday off. I guess that's pretty nice. I have to figure out where to park. DH usually just drops me off, and parks at his work. It's only $50/year to park there, vs. $50/month to park downtown.

Sleep. Sleeeeeeeeep

I get up at 5:00 a.m. We leave the house at 6:20 or so and I get to work an hour later if we're lucky and the traffic runs smoothly. We leave the city at 5:15 or so and get home at 6:00 on a really good day (like today was) or 6:30 if things don't go so well.

We have dinner. We listen to little boy fuss and whine. This has been hard on him; I could make it easier for him if he didn't make it so hard on me. I hate whining. Fingernails on a chalkboard.

After dinner and maybe some cartoons and dishes and maybe laundry and maybe homework, I'm about ready to drop from fatigue by 9:00. Actually, I'm about ready to drop from fatigue about 6:30, but there's dinner and dishes and laundry and cartoons.

DH is a trooper and does at least 50% of what needs doing, if not more. He is way more patient and engaged with little boy than I am.

It's 9:30 and I'm going to sleep.

Lovely Weekend

The weather was pretty lousy, but weather isn't everything. Older Son came for a visit. None of his friends were in town, so he hung out with us.

Last night, we went shopping together. I got an eensy weensy new wallet and several pieces of clothing suitable for my new employment, which is mostly business casual.

DH picked him up yesterday, and I drove him back this evening.

I'm looking forward to heading back to work tomorrow and seeing what the new week will bring. Can you tell I'm still thrilled to be working?

In other around-the-house news, I finally got little boy's bookcase painted. Now, instead of sticking out sideways into the middle of his room, taking up space, not holding books, and basically being in the way, it's a lovely shade of blue (True Blue) with Caution Yellow shelves. And it's holding books. He has tons more room in his room now to throw clothes and toys on the floor.

Day off, Again

Lori (a reader) pointed out in an e-mail that I am online today because I am off work today, and she is correct. Today is Veteran's Day, a day when apparently only Bank and US Government employees get the day off. Maybe some state offices are closed, too, but not in Louisiana, I think.

DH had to work, and little boy had school, so I'm home all alone, just like I was for so very long ending less than two weeks ago. Today, though, it feels like a luxury, not a failure. I am finishing up some programming for the GED, and then I'm going to watch Sherlock Holmes DVD's. I have a very long day tomorrow, and then a weekend.

Lest you all think that I have such a wonderful life, note this: I have to work a half day the day after Thanksgiving, and a half day Christmas Eve, and all day New Year's Eve. I get no time off for Christmas or New Year's Day, because they fall on a weekend. DH, though he is at work today, doesn't have to teach Thanksgiving Week, and the week between Christmas and New Year the university is closed. So even though I get this day off in the middle of the week that nobody else gets, I would rather have his time off than mine.

Day off, already

Yesterday morning, I got an e-mail from my husband that the little boy was sick at school (vomiting; "Come get him, please!"). Fortunately, the secretary takes her daughter to the same babysitter, so the babysitter was able to come pick him up.

DH and I determined that if he had a fever, we would head home after his 1:00 lab. He did have a fever. So, I had to leave work. He still had a fever last night, so I had to call off today. They seemed OK about it. DH and I had decided that if little boy was still sick, DH would take tomorrow off, because he just has one class. But it looks like little boy is much, much better, with no sign of a fever. Actually, he's bouncing off the walls. So tomorrow will be a normal day.

Thursday is a holiday, so I get the day off.

A dear friend from Texas just stopped in on her way through to Jacksonville, Florida. She's moving with her daughter, and just bought a lovely house there. She's a widow; her sister lives there, and her daughter is the only one still in school, so they decided to go for it. It was great to see her again.

Rough Day

My therapist told me, after the Wellbutrin started working, that I might occasionally have eruptions of depressive episodes. Well, one hit last night. I have no idea what the trigger might have been. Usually, they have a trigger, and I can identify it. But this time, I'm at a loss. Except for maybe being overwhelmed.

The movie The Incredibles was just awesome. I loved it. I will buy it when it comes out on DVD, and I may go see it again in a theatre, just because. It was that good. I don't know how the Spongebob movie will compare...probably not well.

One week down....250 to go...

I finished up my first week at work.

We get up at 5:00 a.m. We shower (separately) and have breakfast. Little boy wakes up and gets ready for school. Maybe I can empty the dishwasher or throw in a load of laundry. We leave at 6:30. Next week, we will leave at 6:15, because I have to be at work by 7:30 a.m. The commute takes anywhere from 50 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on what incidents have transpired en route.

At work, I am learning how to use the different tools available for trouble-shooting. Additionally, I'm learning internal procedures for documenting our calls, and getting to know my colleagues. They seem like a nice group of people. I'm the old person among the analysts, though one of the leads is older than me. I will probably start taking calls while my trainer listens next week. The biggest challenge I see to the job will be multi-tasking. I don't know how many things my head can process at one time.

The routine is actually OK, because it is the same thing every single day. As long as I get to bed by 10:00 or so the night before, getting up at 5:00 is not so bad. I also don't mind the commute so much, since I'm driving with my best friend.

This has been a rough week for little boy. By the end of the day, he seems just worn out. He's fussy and irritable. I hope we can find what accomodations he will need to make it easier for him.

Today, we were going to see The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, but the movie isn't being released today - it's not "Only in Theatres" until November 19. So I think instead we will go see The Incredibles.

The Great Air Conditioning Nightmare has come back to haunt me. It got kind of chilly last night, but when DH tried to turn on the heat, it only blew air...no heat. Strangely, the wires to the heating unit have been cut. We didn't cut them, and the heat worked fine last year, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Why would they have cut the wires without telling us? The Air Conditioning Guy, in his current guise of Heating Guy, will be here in about 15 minutes. I should go get dressed.

Day One on the job

Today I started at my workplace. I will be trained by Tania, a beautiful woman with a voice like silk. Many of the calls have that New Orleans informal quality to them: "I can help wid dat, baby."

I have been very concerned and intimidated by many things about starting back to work: the change in my schedule, the pace, the structure, the 8000 new things to learn. But after just one day of listening to calls, I have determined that I'm going to be able to do this. We've only scratched the surface of what I will learn over the next week or two, but already today there were several calls I could have handled with no problem at all. I expect within a month to be Useful, and within six months to be Very Useful.

The company internet policy is pretty strict. No browsing. Occasional visits to websites to check personal e-mail, make plane reservations, or look up phone numbers are acceptable. But my days of spending hours and hours lost in the internet appear to be over. I hope to be able to hit my friends' blogs, and to keep up with one or two boards, but it's not going to be like it was. I can only hope that this will be a good thing for me.

Today was New Hire Orientation

It consisted of bursts of interesting data punctuated by tedious waiting. I got breakfast and lunch. I asked three questions that the recruiter had never had asked before. That's me...causing trouble on Day One.

I'm very, very tired. This is definitely going to interfere with my time on the internet, since Internet use is only permitted for business purposes.

Man, talk about a lifestyle change. I've been awake since 5:00 a.m. It's just after 8:00, and I'm beat.

Tomorrow is my first day on the job. I'm looking forward to it.